Marriage: My Jump Start on the Path to Wholeness

Why does marriage test me so much?  I remember when I was younger, praying for things like wisdom and understanding, for an open heart and mind.  Well, they're happening and I would like to thank my marriage and small family for that.  But especially my marriage. Always bringing me to the the point where some part of who I think I am has to die, and knowing if the part of me that was offended in the moment of tension dies, there would be nothing to take personally. I do believe I am afraid to die. At least, I think I am. But I know I don't want to be, so I see these deaths in beliefs, in perspectives, in attachments, in expectations, in entitlements, in etc, as opportunities to practice dying.

 Or something like that. And I'm talking about my ego dying. All the stuff my personality thinks is really who I am. And for me, the dying starts with noticing.

To just feel without judgement or fueling any more fires. Just noticing what happens to my physical body when my personality starts to defend itself and noticing what happens to my thoughts.

Am I quick to judge and blame?
Am I self loathing, passive aggressive, or seeking to make wrong?
Does my jaw clench?
Throat feel tight?
Heart feel heavy?
Is my stomach in a knot?
Do I feel like running away?
Feel like fighting, screaming or hiding?

Just noticing it. Without trying to change it to something else. Because my goal is not a new reaction, but no reaction at all. That I can be so unidentified with who I think I am that no matter what the situation, it will not become my new story. And when justifications of why I really am allowed to hold on to the pain creep in, well I just notice those, too. I'd like to see my partner as my mirror because he is in fact the yin to my yang, or the other way around. That is why I was attracted to him in the first place whether I knew it or not.  When I can be still, and sink into a space of no personality, I am grateful for what he brings out in me. Parts where I have not yet died. Parts of my personality that has kept it's dark shadows looming over the love and light that is inherent in me and each and every being. Parts I so vehemently defend when I know none of it is actually who I am. So I stop thinking about it. I stop mulling over my thoughts and the "he said... she saids", making him wrong, and confirming my painful feelings. No more, because all that did is make me become that very pain, surviving in a space filled with tension from all the thought. Separate from love, thus separate from God. Pretty much my whole life I have been trying to feel God. I ask for an open heart and mind so I may feel in ways I never knew existed. But I believe they exist, and I believe they exist in my marriage underneath my ego. Underneath what I think about life and what I think I deserve. So yes, I am grateful for the tension, the heart ache, the insecurities and the cellular and even post birth traumas he helps pull out from deep within me so that they may be healed. I was thinking about it earlier today when I saw a picture of an overjoyed freshly engaged young woman. And I think back to how excited all my friends were when it happened to them and how many cards and parties and all the gifts... It can almost be deceiving! Congratulations it's gonna be quite the rush, but good luck you're about to open one huge can of crazy worms!

But it's those very worms, as slimy and gross as they are, that help us catch the fish. And I want to catch fish. I can now say from experience; there is deep reward in embracing this can of worms and using them as tools to grasp something that will bring deep sustenance. Maybe my husband is a little worse than others. He won't let me get away with feeling bad and he can always tell when I'm lying. We always have to talk about it... I thought I was good at all this stuff before I was married. At least with my parents and siblings. We'd talk it out, hug it out, move on.  But despite all those years of telling myself to not be like my mother, I too need my space. Its not that I don't want to work it out, even though I see how I can act that way. It's because I noticed my body and it felt bad. Anger, rage. I noticed I felt like hurting him. Physically and emotionally. I noticed I felt claustrophobic as communication just wasn't happening and I noticed we communicate very differently. I also noticed that sometimes I really don't like the way he communicates.  I notice these things, as well as other things I can't yet identify that too are afraid to die. They are fighting hard. So it's just a little space I need. Just a few deep breaths and I can let go of the belief that my communication style is better than his. I can feel my heart beat as I remember when a seasoned friend told me that most of the time we are saying the same thing in different ways. And I realize he loves me.  And I remember my deep desire to feel God, and I choose to let it all go.

At least today. At least right now. I give thanks for him showing me a little bit more of who I truly am. A little bit more light shines in the darkness.