Sunday, June 3, 2012

An experience in quieting my thoughts, worth sharing

In a routine "settling of our systems" (meditation) in my craniosacral class today I was moved to tears as I seemingly sat in one spot. What I realized is that's what we all think we are doing all the time, but if we look closely we come to realize that our minds are always behind us or in front of us, many years to a few seconds. And so I do what I know to do to feel as present as I can, and I remember my body is present so I start to make a choice to feel my body and experience it and not place attention on any thought. And to quiet the loud ones I remind myself that the thoughts are happening now and then they seem to float away as I sink into feeling my body and the adventure that entails. (I would go into how i experience that, but I think that will naturally happen over the course of many blogs) but I'll go to the part that moved me; I had first tried this settling of my system by lying on the floor. Now that I'm four months pregnant its harder to stay comfortable on a floor. So I sit. Snd the brain starts like it always does. Annoying. Thinking even though i dont want to. And usually thoughts that trigger painful emotions and exhausting cycles of more thoughts. So i do what i know and choose to watch the thoughts and feel my body. And I can sit better but soon as I do I'm reminded of all these things that a part of me thinks is wrong with my body. My semi-scoliosis, my twisted sacrum (tailbone) my incredibly tight right hamstring, my popping jaw, all these uncomfortable feelings and things that just don't seem to go away and especially make me uncomfortable while trying to meditate... And then I just let them all be. I felt like I gave up, threw my hands in the air and said 'it is what is is.' I had no feelings toward or about any part of myself, physical or mental. A moment of a pure neutral. No judgements, comparisons, expectation, fears, regrets. Only I let i all be. And in that moment of embodied acceptance and surrender came a deep bubbling joy and peace. And even greater than that love was being purely embodied. And in those few minutes that followed as the tears came I rested in this state of embodied love and I felt something leave my body. Something that had been living there that never served me. I don't know what it was, but I don't need to. I know a literal weight was lifted and something shifted in my body and soul, and now I feel more whole.

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