Be Still and Know, My Experience Now

I've read that verse in the Bible so very many times. Or I've had it read to me. I was raised by Christian parents who exposed me to church very young. I don't remember ever not having some level of relationship with God, and it always evolving. Church as I knew it was a really wonderful thing. Yes of course people stumbled and fell but we learned to deepen our compassion through those times. In my experience with the people I was blessed to grow around, the essence of my church experience was Love and it was genuine. It was about community, digging deep into the Bible, really trying to know Him and so we can Be like Him. It involved me in service, and the privilege and responsibility of leading worship through music as my expression of Love. "Be still and know I am God." We read this verse,(then and now in the churches I was raised in)and go on to think and talk about God as if that was the Knowing, and finish with no instruction or guidance on how exactly to be Still. I believe this mental knowing of God served me well in my relationship with the Divine Love, but it was only one dimensional. In my life so far I have found meditation a beautiful way to embody this hardly explainable Knowing of the I Am, and that is through stillness; truly and carefully taking the time to still all the systems of the body, including the incredibly freeing practice of quieting my thoughts. And in that, moving my attention to the very present moment and resting in the stillness there, because in my experience that is where you meet the unwordaable. Some people try to word it and although it cannot be compared to the felt sense of Divine Love in the present time, I find their wordings to be very beautiful. I like that story of the Zen master who was asked by a student how to acheive enlightenment, and he responded only by holding a single finger in the air, because in his profound experience that was as clear an explanation it could have. I believe that 'achieving' is the practice or the journey, meditation being the foundation for that. I would encourage an open mind to other labels of thought, because I believe God is bigger than a label, and bigger than thought. I have found in my personal meditation practice I can reach moments that are pureley Still, and out of that comes the true Knowing that requires no thought. The physical and soul experience of Christ in me. I experience Oneness with everything and Love is the only thing that exists. The more I "be still and know I Am" and rest in that space, the more I want to do it. The practice of quieting the systems and the especially exhausting practice of quieting the mind can be challenging and may even be impossible for the first few tries, but with every stretch we stretch farther. Once we can be Still and allow this Knowing to Be, to embody present moment Love, there is no need for the knowlege of good and evil, because out of this stillness right action and living will come. This embodiment of Love changes the states of our bodies and consequently our world around us in a very physical, tangible, and even now scientifically meausurable way. This experience is not only available to all beings, it is our birthright. "Nothing I say can explain to you Divine Love, yet all of creation cannot seem to stop talking about it." -Rumi

An experience in quieting my thoughts, worth sharing

In a routine "settling of our systems" (meditation) in my craniosacral class today I was moved to tears as I seemingly sat in one spot. What I realized is that's what we all think we are doing all the time, but if we look closely we come to realize that our minds are always behind us or in front of us, many years to a few seconds. And so I do what I know to do to feel as present as I can, and I remember my body is present so I start to make a choice to feel my body and experience it and not place attention on any thought. And to quiet the loud ones I remind myself that the thoughts are happening now and then they seem to float away as I sink into feeling my body and the adventure that entails. (I would go into how i experience that, but I think that will naturally happen over the course of many blogs) but I'll go to the part that moved me; I had first tried this settling of my system by lying on the floor. Now that I'm four months pregnant its harder to stay comfortable on a floor. So I sit. Snd the brain starts like it always does. Annoying. Thinking even though i dont want to. And usually thoughts that trigger painful emotions and exhausting cycles of more thoughts. So i do what i know and choose to watch the thoughts and feel my body. And I can sit better but soon as I do I'm reminded of all these things that a part of me thinks is wrong with my body. My semi-scoliosis, my twisted sacrum (tailbone) my incredibly tight right hamstring, my popping jaw, all these uncomfortable feelings and things that just don't seem to go away and especially make me uncomfortable while trying to meditate... And then I just let them all be. I felt like I gave up, threw my hands in the air and said 'it is what is is.' I had no feelings toward or about any part of myself, physical or mental. A moment of a pure neutral. No judgements, comparisons, expectation, fears, regrets. Only I let i all be. And in that moment of embodied acceptance and surrender came a deep bubbling joy and peace. And even greater than that love was being purely embodied. And in those few minutes that followed as the tears came I rested in this state of embodied love and I felt something leave my body. Something that had been living there that never served me. I don't know what it was, but I don't need to. I know a literal weight was lifted and something shifted in my body and soul, and now I feel more whole.

A worded expression of my relationship with Health

We cannot even imagine an understanding of it, for the real understanding is only felt by the body and is free from thought.  A felt sense of Peace that is beyond understanding.  Spaciousness. Connectedness. I feel what they call the Dao, and i watch as the world unwinds itself. I breathe deep and feel as my body unwinds itself. Thoughtless I only watch it. Except that I am not even there. I am gone. No one but the watcher left. And in this safe holding of awe and humility, blessings beyond words can finally be received. Blessings that are always there and have always been. The blessings of the light of life in this body. I see Health in every dying being. I watch health move about my body as it will, and I watch health move throughout the world around me. No matter the corruption or devastation, Health  is still present where there is life, giving hope of the beauty of the other side. And when I lovingly hold this health in my heart is when I am blessed by the peace that surpasses understanding. There is a fountain that flows deep and wide! But it is not what you think. So don't think. Feel it:)

Marriage: My Jump Start on the Path to Wholeness

Why does marriage test me so much?  I remember when I was younger, praying for things like wisdom and understanding, for an open heart and mind.  Well, they're happening and I would like to thank my marriage and small family for that.  But especially my marriage. Always bringing me to the the point where some part of who I think I am has to die, and knowing if the part of me that was offended in the moment of tension dies, there would be nothing to take personally. I do believe I am afraid to die. At least, I think I am. But I know I don't want to be, so I see these deaths in beliefs, in perspectives, in attachments, in expectations, in entitlements, in etc, as opportunities to practice dying.

 Or something like that. And I'm talking about my ego dying. All the stuff my personality thinks is really who I am. And for me, the dying starts with noticing.

To just feel without judgement or fueling any more fires. Just noticing what happens to my physical body when my personality starts to defend itself and noticing what happens to my thoughts.

Am I quick to judge and blame?
Am I self loathing, passive aggressive, or seeking to make wrong?
Does my jaw clench?
Throat feel tight?
Heart feel heavy?
Is my stomach in a knot?
Do I feel like running away?
Feel like fighting, screaming or hiding?

Just noticing it. Without trying to change it to something else. Because my goal is not a new reaction, but no reaction at all. That I can be so unidentified with who I think I am that no matter what the situation, it will not become my new story. And when justifications of why I really am allowed to hold on to the pain creep in, well I just notice those, too. I'd like to see my partner as my mirror because he is in fact the yin to my yang, or the other way around. That is why I was attracted to him in the first place whether I knew it or not.  When I can be still, and sink into a space of no personality, I am grateful for what he brings out in me. Parts where I have not yet died. Parts of my personality that has kept it's dark shadows looming over the love and light that is inherent in me and each and every being. Parts I so vehemently defend when I know none of it is actually who I am. So I stop thinking about it. I stop mulling over my thoughts and the "he said... she saids", making him wrong, and confirming my painful feelings. No more, because all that did is make me become that very pain, surviving in a space filled with tension from all the thought. Separate from love, thus separate from God. Pretty much my whole life I have been trying to feel God. I ask for an open heart and mind so I may feel in ways I never knew existed. But I believe they exist, and I believe they exist in my marriage underneath my ego. Underneath what I think about life and what I think I deserve. So yes, I am grateful for the tension, the heart ache, the insecurities and the cellular and even post birth traumas he helps pull out from deep within me so that they may be healed. I was thinking about it earlier today when I saw a picture of an overjoyed freshly engaged young woman. And I think back to how excited all my friends were when it happened to them and how many cards and parties and all the gifts... It can almost be deceiving! Congratulations it's gonna be quite the rush, but good luck you're about to open one huge can of crazy worms!

But it's those very worms, as slimy and gross as they are, that help us catch the fish. And I want to catch fish. I can now say from experience; there is deep reward in embracing this can of worms and using them as tools to grasp something that will bring deep sustenance. Maybe my husband is a little worse than others. He won't let me get away with feeling bad and he can always tell when I'm lying. We always have to talk about it... I thought I was good at all this stuff before I was married. At least with my parents and siblings. We'd talk it out, hug it out, move on.  But despite all those years of telling myself to not be like my mother, I too need my space. Its not that I don't want to work it out, even though I see how I can act that way. It's because I noticed my body and it felt bad. Anger, rage. I noticed I felt like hurting him. Physically and emotionally. I noticed I felt claustrophobic as communication just wasn't happening and I noticed we communicate very differently. I also noticed that sometimes I really don't like the way he communicates.  I notice these things, as well as other things I can't yet identify that too are afraid to die. They are fighting hard. So it's just a little space I need. Just a few deep breaths and I can let go of the belief that my communication style is better than his. I can feel my heart beat as I remember when a seasoned friend told me that most of the time we are saying the same thing in different ways. And I realize he loves me.  And I remember my deep desire to feel God, and I choose to let it all go.

At least today. At least right now. I give thanks for him showing me a little bit more of who I truly am. A little bit more light shines in the darkness.